Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
