I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I love you. Go after that dick
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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