So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize