Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
