I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
