Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
