i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
