i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
