Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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