She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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