He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
