You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
