i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
