i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
