i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
3pm strippers are depressing
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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