i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
