I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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