Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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