shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize