I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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