Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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