I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
