the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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