dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize