I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
