I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
