we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
