I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
