i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
