I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
