Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
