are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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