I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
