Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
