You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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