i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
