you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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