HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
