Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
