so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
