I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize