You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
