I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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