I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
