How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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