nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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