Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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