Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
