I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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