My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
