The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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