it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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