I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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