Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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