oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
