I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
