Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
